Well, I guess that’s one resolution down the drain.
Pause for a moment. I’m going to apologize now, because I may sound a little whiny for the remainder of this post. Rest assured I’ll be back to my witty blogger self next post. Just bear with me for the time being.
This is not my first blog. I have, in fact, created four blogs to date — this one included. With each one, I have been inconsistent at best. Inconsistency is kind of a thing with me. It’s on my list of things I’d like to change.
My first attempt at blogging was inspired by a close friend of mine who happens to be a mommyblogger. She was packing (and shopping!) for BlogHer ’08 and Tweeting about it. (Um, do I need another reason to shop? Abso-freakin’-lutely!) Plus, the Twitter thing just looked like fun — that was my first exposure to it.
Then she came back the next week with pictures, stories, contact info for new friends, and tons of swag. She got cool free stuff in the mail for her review blog. Plus, she’s actually a really talented writer.
Fame, fortune, and cool shit? Sounded like a plan.
Obviously, this was all easier said than done. My mommyblogger friend had been blogging steadily, probably at least a few times a week, for almost five years by the time I got started. She had a good readership going, and like I said, she had a separate blog for product reviews. She already had a lot of good connections with other mommybloggers, and she’d already been making money off of her blogs. I should have known that when it sounded to good to be true, it probably wasn’t what I thought.
When I started my first blog, I wanted lots of traffic. So I told all my friends and family all about it. I wanted everybody to visit. I wanted feedback from people I knew and trusted on my writing ability. I didn’t know I was setting myself up for self-censorship. By telling everyone I knew, I didn’t have a place to vent. Sometimes you just need to air things out. That’s what anonymity is good for. I’ve since learned my lesson, clearly.
I also didn’t feel like I really had my own identity as a blogger. I jumped on the mommyblogging bandwagon, reading the folks on my friend’s blogroll, participating in her memes and contests, and just kind of piggybacking on the contacts she already had. It didn’t feel right.
A few months after creating my mommyblog, I created a separate blog for essays that were spiritual in nature. I’m Wiccan/Pagan/Neo-Pagan/a blend of many diverse paths that end up being a fairly unique religion that works for me. But I didn’t really want to put all that pressure on my mommyblog. There’s an awful lot of baggage that goes with that particular spiritual label, and I wasn’t ready to accept responsibility for losing readers just because they didn’t see eye-to-eye with my beliefs. I thought that by being open about my spirituality, I would be opening myself up to rejection all over again (since I’ve opened myself up in my personal life to most of those people I’m close to).
With both my blogs, I ran into the time constraints of a mom trying to work full-time, take care of her toddler son, take care of dinner, groceries, cleaning, etc., and attempt to emotionally support a husband who was in school and student teaching to get his license. I wrote more and more infrequently, and eventually, I abandoned both blogs. Even after I lost my job last July, I didn’t try to get back into the blogging thing. I figured it was too late to resurrect either one of my sites.
Last November, I created a new blog, with the idea that I would start it off by participating in NaBloPoMo, and thus kick my habit of inconsistency in blogging. (Actually, my inconsistency basically permeates every facet of my life. This is something I’ve had trouble with for as long as I can remember, and is one of my big projects in therapy.) I didn’t even make it past Day 2. So what did I do? Give up. I told myself if it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t worth doing. I deleted the blog.
That brings us to this blog. I’m still having trouble with the inconsistency, the perfectionism, and the lack of confidence. But today? Today I am publishing a new post. And that is good enough, dammit.